My lover is a lonely man
by Lizicia
Summary: 'Ressler is tired of never really being okay. So when Samar tells him that all anyone ever has is the now, he doesn't even blink.' Post-3x7 (spoilers!) exploration and understanding.


**A/N: I am in no way in favour of Samar and Ressler but the episode did make sense and this is me, making more sense of it.**

 **Spoilers for 3x7.**

 **Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize is mine.**

* * *

Ressler is tired. Tired of being two steps behind everyone – behind Reddington, behind the Director, behind the Cabal, behind terrorists who use tricks and deceit, who betray their own families.

He is tired of never really being okay, never really knowing what is happening. Everything is beginning to seem inconsequential and meaningless and he has forgotten what it means to just be.

So when Samar tells him that all anyone ever has is the now, he doesn't even blink. He hardly wonders when his mind catches up with the proposition behind the words because he understands.

His first thought is _no_.

He thinks of Agent Shur and the tenderness clearly evident in the other man's eyes as he welcomed Samar, and the equally wondrous but also shuttered response in Samar's and knows better than to touch that.

Instead, he says, "What about Aram?" as if that was a better option.

The look Samar bequeaths him with is piercing and all too sharp and he knows her answer even before she has let a single syllable escape.

"What about Liz?"

He wants to say so many things about that, to deny it, to act like she has no right to bring her name into this, to be indignant that she would think this of him.

But he thinks of Tom Keen right then, thinks of how one look at that man made something ugly rise within him, something equally protective and furious that he couldn't control his own physical response which he rarely lets happen.

He could have a million comebacks to Samar but right now, he knows that she wouldn't believe any of them and neither would he.

So with that, he starts walking towards his car and knows that Samar follows without having to look behind him.

In the end, it is all too easy to drive them both to his apartment without a single unnecessary word being uttered, without any need for grand gestures or heartfelt words. He has none left and he knows that she hardly needs to hear them, especially from him.

It is easy to kiss her in the hallway, to just let himself feel and be in the moment, to not consider every rule they are breaking, and any reason why they really shouldn't be doing this.

Instead, it is all about the motions and his hands pull Samar's shirt over her head before she unties his tie and unbuttons his shirt. It feels mechanical and rehearsed, like a play they have both been cast in without any real desire on their part, just driven by a need to feel.

She takes the lead easily and he lets her without any complaint or any real input; she can take what she wants and he will not be worse for it.

He thinks of nothing at all.

Later, he doesn't move to touch her when she curls up on her side, facing away from him. He can tell that she is tense, instead of being relieved, judging by the way she holds herself very still.

"He's at Bethesda."

The line of her shoulders remains just as tense but he can hear her let out a breath.

"I'm not a good person, Ressler."

He frowns at her back because he doesn't understand what she means. "What?"

"Aram is good."

 _Oh._

He keeps staring at her head because he's not sure what to say or how to respond, except. "And Agent Shur?"

She doesn't say anything but stands up abruptly and starts getting dressed.

Ressler keeps staring at the ceiling instead of watching her. It feels more befitting to let her be, to distance himself from this moment. There are no hard feelings here, he has no expectations for anything and neither does she.

"I hope he will be fine."

He addresses her because they are still co-workers, they are still friends and he liked Levi Shur well enough.

She eyes him thoughtfully from the bedroom door, leaning against it with one hip as if she hadn't been ready to leave in an instant but could have all day to stay behind.

"Levi is..." He can see her thinking it over, choosing the perfect words in her head. But they don't seem to come to her because she just shakes her head and meets his eyes with a determined gaze.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

He's grateful that she doesn't say anything more, that she doesn't try and talk to him about that which he doesn't want to hear.

He is pretty sure he isn't a good person anymore either.


End file.
